One Plus Two Equals… - 34

Later, much later, their passion spent, Auden held Julyan in his arms. "If I hurt you, forgive me," he whispered so softly Julyan could barely make out his words.

Somehow Julyan knew what he was saying had little to do with the roughness of Auden's lovemaking and that it was only partially spoken to him.

"He'll forgive you," Julyan replied almost as quietly. "After all…he is you. And you are him. It's me he may not forgive."

"He will. He loves you."

"And you?"

Auden chuckled. "Wouldn't that be a bit egotistical for him to love what is essentially a part of him?"

"Not really." Julyan turned in Auden's arms so he could look squarely into his eyes. "If you don't love yourself how can you expect someone else to love you? However that wasn't quite what I was asking."

"Explain, please."

"Do you love me, or even like me? Or did you just need to know someone could care enough to accept what you are and let you…?" Julyan waved one hand over the bed.

Understanding and pain flashed across Auden's face. "Is that why you allowed this? To make me feel…accepted? If so you can forget it." Auden pushed Julyan away, glaring at him. "Only those who use me for their own ends accept me. It's Duane who people care about, Duane that…that someone can fall in love with."

"I could love you."

Auden shook his head. "No, you could love Duane, you do love him. I just… come as part of the package, the part you'd happily dispense with if you could."

Ignoring his words, Julyan asked again, "Do you love me, or even like me?"

"I can't allow myself to care for anyone," Auden replied defiantly.

"That's not what I asked." Julyan cupped his face in both hands. "Do you feel anything for me?"

"Lust," Auden replied with a smirk.

"No shit. I picked up on that from the beginning. Damn it, Auden, I'm serious here and you're trying to turn it into some kind of joke."

Auden dropped his gaze. "It's the only way I can handle things."

"Things, meaning emotions?"

"Meaning anything that doesn't have to do with my job," Auden replied tensely.

Uncertain why he was pushing Auden, only sensing it was necessary, Julyan pressed on. "Why did you approach me on the roof that night?"

"I believe you did the approaching."

Leaning back on his hands, Julyan nodded. "Technically, yes, but it was you who kissed me that night, and the next one."

"A game, that's all. Don't flatter yourself that it was more."