One Plus Two Equals... - 28

There was something in the tone of Auden's voice, a subtle ache behind his words, which surprised Julyan. He reached for him, for a moment needing to comfort him.

"Don't," Auden said sharply, slapping his hand away. "I'm not some child who needs…" His hands clenched and unclenched. Then, as if unable to deal with whatever he was feeling he began shifting.

"Auden, you're human. You have the right to have feelings, emotions." Julyan reached out again, gripping his arm. For a moment he saw both men and then it was Duane who sat there.

"He'll never admit to that," Duane said quietly. "To have feelings, to give free rein to his emotions, could mean his death, and…" he caught Julyan's gaze, "mine."

"It's not fair. He deserves to be more than some… some killing machine for… for whoever your boss is."

"We are what we are, Juls. He sees the world as black and white, I see the grays. At least that's how I think of it. He has feelings, never doubt that, but he'll either act on them instinctively, like when he kissed you on the roof, or bury them as he did just now."

"So you're aware of what he's doing when he's…him."

Duane nodded. "Aware, but that's all. I have no control over him when he's 'out', any more than he can control me when we're 'me'."

Julyan frowned. "So, in theory, you could always be you and never shift."

"In theory, yes, but if one of us did that it would be denying what we are. As I've been trying to explain, we're two parts of a whole." Duane took Julyan's hand, pulling gently until the younger man came to him then wrapping his arms around him. "Think of it like this, if it helps. Suppose instead of shifting from myself to Auden I was able to shift and become a wolf. A wolf shifter needs both halves to be complete, it's in their natures. Denying one part of themselves would destroy them. It would be the same for Auden and me."

Looking up at Duane, Julyan nodded. "I think I understand." He chewed his lip thoughtfully. "I don't know if it's the right word, but in stories of wolf-shifters, the human half is compelled, I guess you could say, to become a wolf from time to time. Is it the same with you?"

Duane chuckled. "In those stories, and there is truth behind them, the full moon causes what you're calling a compulsion. We don't have to deal with anything that strong. However, with that said, when Auden isn't needed for what he's trained to do I still feel the desire to be him from time to time. He's the wild, free part of us, I'm the more staid, controlled half. In Freudian terms, as I said earlier, we're Id and Super-ego for lack of a better way to put it."