Fear - 26

"Anyway, back to what I was going to tell you," Gene said. "I fell for this guy and we got into a relationship. I'd just graduated college and was in my first year of med school. I should have known what was happening, probably did in some part of my mind. He was very controlling. Too controlling. At first I put it down to his wanting me all to himself, which of course he did, but not in a healthy way." Gene paused, his thoughts going back to that time and the man. "Not at all healthy," he said quietly.

Shawn asked tentatively, "Did he… beat on you?"

"A few times. Then he stopped when I walked away from the relationship. Of course, being in school, I couldn't go far. I couldn't leave the city. He showed up at the university one afternoon a few weeks later, begging me to talk to him. Begging me to take him back, full of remorse and promises. Against my better judgment I did, because I thought we could make it work. He never hit me again. His abuse became mental and emotional instead. It took me a while to realize he'd fallen back into the same patterns as before."

"So you picked up and left again."

Gene shook his head. "I should have, but what he was doing was insidious. He had me believing he was the only person who knew what was good for me. That without him I'd fail, as a man, as a doctor, as… anything. And I believed him because I thought he loved me and was doing what he thought was best for me."

"Like Jared," Shawn whispered.

"I suspect so. Abusers need to be in control. They need to feel powerful so they find someone who allows that. It makes them feel worthwhile."

"But he does love me. He said so. All the time. He said he was only doing… doing…"

"Doing what was best for you, punishing you when you 'deserved' it, keeping you away from anyone who might try to separate the two of you—which was everyone—because he couldn't live without you." Gene looked at Shawn, wanting to wipe away the mournful look on his face but not knowing quite how to. "He meant it, Shawn. In his own mind that's exactly how Jared felt—that he was doing what was best for you—for the both of you."

Shawn sighed, chewing the corner of his lip, but remained silent, looking back at Gene with a mixture of anger and sadness.

Gene touched his arm again, putting his hand on it when Shawn didn't pull away. "What you have to decide is, is life with him the best thing for you?"

"If he loves me…"

"That's the thing, Shawn. If. I finally realized the guy I was with didn't love me. He loved the control; he loved making me totally dependent on him for everything. He hated that I insisted on staying in school to earn my degree but that was the one thing I wouldn't allow him to take away."

"Like me and working," Shawn replied, frowning. "Jared hated that, but we needed the money when he lost his job. Then he got the one here and…"

"You wouldn't quit the garage?"

"No. I liked working there."

Gene smiled. "So for once you stood up to him."

With a nod, Shawn said, "For once, and that's when things got worse."