(44) I am what I am

~Blair~

I watched the confrontation between Quinn and the drunk, shaking inside—and outside I realized as I looked at my hands. What if the man decided to try and fight him? Quinn was tall and well built but the drunk was huge, muscular and, well, drunk. As I saw him head for the door I sighed in relief.

“Are you all right?” Quinn asked in concern as he sat down beside me again.

I nodded.

“I was fine, if that’s what you’re upset about,” he said, running his hand over my back. “Handling drunks comes with the territory.”

I nodded again.

“Okay, want to spill it?”

“I…was afraid for you. That man…” It suddenly hit me and I started to shake all over again.

Quinn got it immediately. “He reminded you of your stepfather. I can see that now, his size and his voice. Oh hell, baby.” His arms went around me, wrapping me in a secure embrace. “It’s over,” he said softly. “It’s over and I’m here.” His voice caught and he whispered, “Always, if that’s what you want.”

I looked up at him and saw the question in his face, in his eyes. “Always sounds good to me,” was my heartfelt response.

His smile lit up my heart. Hell I think it lit up the whole room it was so broad. “You’re sure?”

“Yes Quinn, I’m sure. It’s only been a few days, but now I can’t begin to imagine what my life would be like if you weren’t in it.” I touched his cheek. “I fell for you that first night. Fell in love with you I think. And I love you more each time I see you.”

His reply was physical rather than verbal as he cupped my face in his hands and kissed me so wonderfully that I melted into it, breathing in his scent as I opened to him. I’ve never been kissed the way he kissed me. It was soft and hard, tender and demanding. It took me to heights I never thought I'd ever reach. And that was just his kiss. Somehow I knew that if…when we took the next step, I would be the happiest man ever because he loved me. Love I prayed I was worthy of and could return to him tenfold.

The End

(43) I am what I am

~ Quinn ~

One look at Blair’s face and I knew he wasn’t getting what I was trying to say, or maybe I just wasn’t saying it right. I’ve never been in love before if that’s what this is—what I’m feeling—so the words that I need aren’t there. Hell I’m just a cop. We’re all action, not emotions. So what do I do? Just spit it out?

I opened my mouth to do so, and let the chips fall where they may, when a loud voice rang through the room. A large, belligerent voice demanding another drink. I looked over at the bar. The man matched the voice and he was leaning over the bar, his hand twisting the bartender’s shirt as he glared at him.

“Be right back,” I told Blair before I pushed away from the table and crossed the room to the see if I could defuse the situation.

By the time I got to them, the man had released the bartender but he was still leaning over the bar, apparently trying to serve himself a beer.

“I think you’ve had enough,” I said in a quiet voice.

“Who the hell are you,” he growled, turning bloodshot eyes my way.

“Detective Eddison.” I flashed my badge.

“Yeah? Well that’s a pretty piece of tin, ‘Detective’ Eddison,” he sneered. “But I ain’t done nothing wrong. It’s him.” He pointed at the bartender. “He won’t get me another drink and I’m still thirsty.”

I looked at the bartender, rolling my eyes. “He says he’s thirsty. Get him a tall glass of water.”

“Fuck that, I want my beer.”

“Water’s all you get now, sir. Either sit down and drink it or leave. Those are your two choices.” To emphasize my words I pulled my jacket back just enough so that he could see I was armed.

He took a deep breath and I could tell he was trying to decide which was more important, making an issue of it and being arrested or just going. Apparently something sensible made its way through his beer-addled brain because he slammed his hand down on the bar muttering, “Be that way,” and then walked, well staggered towards the door. I was about to follow, realizing he could be heading for his car, when I heard the rattle of keys behind me. When I turned to look at the bartender he smiled slightly, holding up what I figured were the drunk’s car keys, and then he thanked me for stepping in.

“Not a problem,” I told him before heading back to the table and Blair.

(42) I am what I am

~Blair~

“I’ve never been to this bar,” I told Quinn once we’d found a table and ordered drinks. Stiff drinks as Jack had told us to.

It was a small place, cozy even, with soft music playing on the sound system. From what I could tell, the customers seemed to be a mix of straight and gay which helped me relax. When we’d first walked in I had cringed, thinking it was some neighborhood place where the patrons might make us feel uncomfortable, since Quinn had his arm around my waist. I should have known better. Quinn wouldn’t have done that to either of us.

“And just how many bars in the city have you been frequenting,” Quinn replied, smiling.

“Well,” I chewed my lip thoughtfully. “Not as many as you’re probably thinking. Just the ones in my neighborhood when…when things would get bad.”

“That’s going to change, Blair.”

I looked at him in surprise. “Are you telling me I can’t go out to one of them if I want to?” I didn’t know whether to be angry that he was trying to boss me around or happy that he cared enough that he didn’t want me in some bar on my own.

“Not at all.” He took my hand, looking directly at me. “I mean things aren’t going to get bad enough again that you think you have to do that.”

“And you can guarantee this?” My eyebrow rose to accent the cynicism of my comment.

He didn’t back down. “I’m for sure going to try.” 

“Oh.” I wasn’t certain how to respond to that so I didn’t.

“Okay, cards on the table here, Blair. I know we hardly know each other but from the first time I saw you I knew you were going to be important to me.” He looked away a frown creasing his forehead. “When I thought you were the killer it hit me hard, real hard.”

I was still uncertain what to say, I mean what can you say when you realize the man you’ve fallen hard for admits that all you are to him is ‘important’. Like you’re some new friend that he’s trying to decide what to do with. Where to pigeonhole you in his life without upsetting the apple cart.

(41) I am what I am

~Blair~

“What happened then Blair?” Jack asked.

“I don’t remember. Well, a bit I remember now, but I didn’t then. I panicked. It reminded me of being tied up by my stepfather before he’d…he’d…”

“We’re going to stop now,” Quinn said firmly as he put his arm around me.

“No, please, I can do this. I have to. If I don’t tell you now I don’t know if I ever can.”

“It’s up to you, Blair. I think we know what happened with the two men that were killed last, or can figure it out, except for why you were in that part of town in the first place.”

I smiled wanly. “After what happened with Doctor Freer and then that man all on the same day, I had the most horrible nightmare I’d ever had the next night.” I turned to look at Quinn and saw the sympathy in his eyes and was afraid I’d loose it again so I hurried on. “I knew I couldn’t sleep but I didn’t want to go to a club again, so I just walked and walked and then these to punks showed up and they were going to assault me and I had my mace and I sprayed them and ran, and ran.”

“You’re stepfather must have been keeping very close tabs on you,” Jack said as he closed his notebook. He looked at Quinn, frowning. “I suspect you were real lucky he didn’t come after you next.”

“He might have, if Blair hadn’t run,” Quinn told him. He turned to me. “Somehow he lost you when you did that, probably because he didn’t expect it.”

“Or maybe he didn’t even know I had, if he had to get back home because of his job.”

Jack nodded. “That makes sense. All the murders happened on Friday and Saturday. If he flew here because somehow he’d finally located you, maybe followed you intending to bring you back home with him when he found a safe place to grab you, and saw what happened with the doctor. He could have misread that.”

“He…he said he killed them to show me I belonged to him and no one else.” I stared down at my hands. “I didn’t even know. He was killing them and I didn’t even know it was happening.”

“I’m sure he’d have told you in great detail once he was finished ‘punishing’ you,” Quinn growled angrily.

“I have not doubt of that,” Jack agreed. “All right, Blair, unless there’s anything else you want us to know about I think it’s time for Quinn to take you home, or maybe out for a good stiff drink.” He chuckled when Quinn shot him a look of surprise. “So I’m not blind, I can tell you…Okay, maybe I’d better start typing up my notes before I stick my foot in my mouth any deeper. Now get out of here.”

Quinn smiled as he stood up, waiting for me as I put on my jacket. Then we did as Jack suggested—went out for a good stiff drink.

(40) I am what I am

~Blair~

“I don’t know if I can do this.” I know I must have looked panicked as I glanced between Quinn and Jack.

We, Quinn and I, had been back for a week. Bonnie had insisted I stay with her in my old room despite the fact that she now knows I’m male. As I had nowhere else to go I said I would, but only until I found a place of my own. I was also back working at the diner and of course Quinn had his job to do. It never ended he told me in a moment of frustration, when he’d had to cancel our first, well date I guess, because of a new case. A date, a real, honest to God date. Something I’d never done before. Well, I can wait. I will wait. Because it will be worth it when it actually happens.

Anyway, he said he had to wrap up the files on the murders my stepfather had committed and that meant he and his partner needed to know the extent of my involvement.

Which led to my sitting across the desk from them in one of the interrogation rooms at the station house Quinn worked out of.

Quinn laid his hand over mine for a moment. Then I guess he realized where he was because he quickly moved it away as he said, “The first man, the one from the club, he picked you up?”

I closed my eyes and nodded. “I was, well maybe we should start with Doctor Freer, because that’s where it all began I think.”

“All right,” Jack said and I knew he was taking notes.

“I went for a session. I was going to tell him it was the last one. I didn’t get the chance to. He kept; he wanted me to describe what I thought my first sexual experience would be like, in detail, because he thought I was a virgin. He kept pushing and pushing and touching me and finally I got so angry I began yelling at him. He made a grab for me and tore my blouse. Not here,” I touched my chest, “just the sleeve but that was enough. I grabbed my things and ran. When I got back to Bonnie’s—well I glanced in the mirror and I looked like someone had tried to assault me and I guess that’s what he did.”

“You’re stepfather must have been following you by that time. if he knew, or thought he knew, what had happened,” Quinn pointed out.

“I…yes I suppose so since he killed him. Anyway, Bonnie and I went out to supper like we sometimes did so we didn’t have to cook, but that didn’t really help. I was still so tense I had to go somewhere so that I could unwind. And as me, not, well you know. Not after that creep tried what he did.”

This time, when Quinn took my hand because I was shaking so badly, he didn’t let it go. “And that’s where you met Mr. Ward,” he said softly.

“Yes,” I whispered. “He was nice, sort of I guess. Nice enough that when he made it clear he wanted me, I went along with it. When we got to that apartment and he told me that he liked to be restrained and…and I did it, restrained him…” I shook my head, looking down at my hand entwined in Quinn’s, trying to breathe.

(39) I am what I am

~ Quinn ~

A week after the death of Blair’s stepfather we were back home.

The police in Blair’s birth city were none to happy with the idea that it took a cop from out of town to deal with the beast in their midst. And they were even less happy with the fact that it was Blair that killed him, even though we both told them he did it to save our lives.

Blair spent a few hours in the emergency room while the doctors tended to the damage done to his back and thighs, coming out with several sets of stitches which were needed to close the wounds inflicted by the belt buckle. When they set him free, the police took over, interviewing us separately about what had gone down. Once they were satisfied, they let me stay with him as he told them about the murders his father had confessed to. I was able to verify the facts of his story and add the details that Blair was unaware of. Until his father had told him about them, Blair had not known about the deaths of Doctor Freer and the two punks who had tried to assault him. He accepted the information stoically but I knew that he was taking it all to heart and believed that he was partially responsible for what his stepfather had done.

I intended to disabuse him of that idea if it took the rest of our lives together—assuming of course that we would have a life together. That discussion was yet to come and I wasn’t going to press for it until I knew he was ready.

We stayed for the funeral only because it gave Blair the final closure he needed. And then we headed home.

When we arrived back in the city, Blair was on tenterhooks as the cab dropped us off at the diner. He knew, because I’d told him, that Bonnie was now aware of who, or I guess what he really was, and he was scared stiff that she wouldn’t accept him now.

I kept my arm around his shoulders as we walked through the door, feeling his tension. Bonnie turned from the customer she was waiting on see who had come in. It took her two seconds to cross the room and sweep Blair into a huge hug. I could see him git his teeth even as his face lit up. She saw it too and broke away but didn’t let loose of his arms as she looked him over carefully.

“Who hurt you and did someone take care of them?” She shot me a look at the last bit and I nodded.

“I… I’ll tell you later. I mean if you…if that’s all right,” Blair stuttered out.

“Sweetie, you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to. I’m just glad to have you back here and one piece. You scared me out a year’s growth when you disappeared like that?”

“Only a year?” he joked as he visibly relaxed.

“Well, okay, two years,” Bonnie admitted with a laugh. “Now both of you get over here because I doubt the nuts they serve on the plane were enough to keep even a bird alive.” She didn’t let go of Blair’s hand until he had gingerly settled down in the booth. When I leaned over to remind him to take his pills, Bonnie was gone and back in a flash with a cold glass of water. She watched and waited until he’d taken them before going back to her other customers, promising to return to take our orders, on the house, as soon as possible.

I started to slide into the seat across from him but he shook his head. Since I was fairly sure he didn’t mean that I should leave, I sat down beside him.

“She was glad to see me,” he said, and he sounded both surprised and relieved.

“Of course she was, baby, She cares about you and she really doesn’t give a damn that you turned out to be a man and not the woman she thought you were. It’s you she likes, not the external but what’s inside.”

“Which is still pretty messed up,” he confessed softly.

“But we’re going to work on that.” I wrapped my arm around him until he was pressed to my side.

He looked up at me. “Are we?”

“Yes. We are. Emphasis on the ‘we’.”

He let out a small sigh as he leaned back against my shoulder and we waited for Bonnie to come back.

(38) I am what I am

~Blair~

I heard Quinn’s voice through a haze of pain and thought I was imagining it. Then I felt a hand on my neck, touching me gently and I knew it was real.

I was just about to respond when I heard my stepfather let out a string of curses. Then Quinn’s hand left me. I felt bereft at its loss; and then terrified when the sound of fighting filled the room.

It took all my strength to move but I had to do something. I knew my stepfather. He was insane when he was angry, and being interrupted while he was punishing me would have had him seeing red. Biting down against the flaring pain I grabbed the bedpost and stood. They were fighting tooth and nail and there was nothing I could do to stop my stepfather unless I could find something to use as a weapon. Then I saw it—Quinn’s gun on the floor just inches from my feet.

I bent to pick it up and it felt as if my back was being torn apart. But I couldn’t let my stepfather win. I couldn’t. Gripping it tightly in one hand I stood just in time to see the bastard hit Quinn hard on the side of his head. Without a thought except for my need to save Quinn, I pointed the gun and fired.

Blood flew everywhere and I just about gagged as I saw the top of the bastard’s head explode as he fell backwards.

Dropping the gun, I staggered across to fall on my knees beside Quinn. His eyes were glazed at first but they cleared slowly and he looked up at me. “You did it, baby,” he murmured, lifting his hand to touch my cheek.

“We did it,” I whispered back and then the tears came.

“Oh, Blair, damn.” Quinn sat up, gathering me so gently into his arms.

I wrapped my arms around him and we stayed that way for a long time, him sitting, me still kneeling, my face buried in his shoulder as I sobbed out my relief that it was over.

Finally he got up, lifting me with him to carry me into the bathroom. As we passed my stepfather’s body I looked down at the beast who had made my life hell for so long and felt nothing but cold hatred and a strange joy. I took me a moment to understand that the joy came from knowing that at last I was free. Free to be me. 

(37) I am what I am

~ Quinn ~

“Please be here,” I prayed as I drove down the street.

All I had to go on was the address on Blair’s license and the fact that he had indeed flown into this city.

My stomach was in a knot of fear and anticipation, my hand’s white-knuckled on the steering wheel of the rental car. I was an hour or so behind him, my only advantage, the fact that he hadn’t rented a car himself. I knew this because Jack had checked while I was in the air.

If Blair wasn’t here then I didn’t know what I’d do. Another thing Jack had done for me, once I’d convinced him I needed him to stay behind, was run a search for the name Ryley. He’d come up blank which probably meant that Blair had kept his mother’s name after she’d remarried.

The house bearing the address I needed was well kept with flowerbeds under the green shuttered windows. After parking and getting out of the car, I stood looking at the front door before walking up the path to the porch. I couldn’t see a doorbell so I raised my hand to knock.

A scream rang out, shattering the calm with its pain and terror.

I didn’t give it a second thought as I drew my gun. Was I licensed to carry in this state? No. Did I have the authority of my badge behind me here? No. Did I give a damn at that moment? Hell no!  I tried the door and unbelievably it opened.

As I entered the house I heard a loud, angry voice coming from the second floor.

“You shut up boy! You know better. You don’t make a sound unless I tell you to.”

I raced up the stairs to the sound of leather striking flesh. A muffled sob came from an open doorway to my left.

As I burst into the room a heavy-set, burly, half-naked man spun around to look at me.

“Who the hell are you? What are you doing here?” he shouted before he saw the gun in my hand.

I didn’t answer as I strode across the room to the bed. One look and I was kneeling beside Blair, my gun still trained on the bastard who had done this to him. There were vicious welts across his back and thighs both from a belt and its buckle. I was afraid to touch him to say the least of move him. Resting my free hand on the back of his neck I squeezed it gently as I whispered, “I’m here now. You’re safe.”

The bastard who had done this took advantage of my momentary inattention to kick out at me. If he hadn’t accompanied that with a string of swear words I might have gone down. As it was, I moved just enough that his blow hit my gun hand. The pistol went flying and he tackled me. Now I’m not flyweight but this man was big and heavy. And he had panic on his side to counter my anger. As we wrestled, each one of us trying to subdue the other, I ended up on the loosing side of the battle. He brought one meaty fist down on my temple and the light dimmed.

Then a shot rang out.

(36) I am what I am

~Blair~

The door swung open and my demon stood there. A look of surprise crossed his face, and then a lewd, knowing grin as without a word he grabbed my arm and pulled me inside, slamming the door closed behind us.

“So you finally realized you belong here with me, boy. It took you long enough,” he growled, gripping my other arm as his eyes raked over me.

I didn’t try to pull away. I knew what would happen if I did. Instead I looked up at my stepfather’s brutal face and shook my head. “I don’t belong here. I came to…to…” I couldn’t help it, I started to stutter. I always did when I tried to tell him something I knew would make him mad. I willed myself to continue. “I came to tell you that you’re to stay out of my life from now on or else.” The words spilled out in a rush.

“Or else what, boy?” His anger and dark amusement were written on his face and in way his hands tightened even farther on my arms. “Going to set the cops on me like the last time? You’ll notice I’m still here. They believed me when I told them you were crazy and that that’s why you’d run away. A crazy little fag who hated me for trying to straighten you up. Spreading malicious lies about me.”

Before I could say another word he backhanded me so hard I saw stars. Then he dragged me towards the stairs. “We have a lot of time to make up for, boy. You cost me a lot, making me search for you and then vanishing before I caught you.”

As he continued to drag me along, not caring that I was barely able to walk, he continued his rant. “I finally decided it was time to show you that you belonged to me and no one else. Not that fool doctor, not that man you let pick you up at that rancid fag club, not the boys you came on to on the street that night. You’re mine boy. So I did what any loving father would do, I eliminated them. Sent a message too. Did you like that one, boy? Shoving their cocks up their asses. Fucking sex fiends thinking they could have my boy.”

Wave after wave of horror rolled over me as I listened to him. “You…you…” I was shaking so hard, was so afraid, I couldn’t get the words out.

“I killed them, of course I did.”

We were at his bedroom door then. He threw it open and hauled me across the room to his bed. Then he grabbed my hair in one hand and the back of my neck with the other. “Strip,” he ordered. “And then we’ll get down to the business of making sure you remember that you’re mine.”

I did strip. It was as if I was his sex toy again, obeying his every order because I was terrified of what would happen if I didn’t. When I was standing naked in front of him he shoved me face down onto the bed, holding me there with one hand pressed onto my back. I heard the sound of his belt as he removed it, and then the snick of his zipper going down and his pants hitting the floor.

And I screamed.

(35) I am what I am

~Blair~

“Blair, you’re back.” The secretary, Alice if I remember right, looked me over and smiled. “You’ve changed. Interesting thing with the hair, it’s a lot longer than what I recall. You always wore it so short. And you’ve gained some weight.”

I shrugged. “It’s been five years. Is he in?”

“No. Sorry. He’s at home. He just got back from a business trip and was beat so he’s taking the day to recuperate.”

I thanked her and left. The moment I stepped out of the building I started to shake. As soon as I’d boarded the bus last night I’d had second thoughts as the adrenaline rush from making my decision faded and fear took over. But by then it was too late. The bus had dropped me at the airport just as I’d planned and I got a seat on the first plane here. Here being where I grew up. The place that I’d run from.

I don’t know why I thought facing my demon in his office would work. Hope that he’d have changed maybe and would promise to leave me alone? This could be the most insane thing I’d ever done, coming back. But I knew that somehow he’d find me again, just as he had at the bookstore. Because deep in my heart I knew it had been him, as much as I’d tried to tell myself otherwise. And if he did find me I would have run, leaving Quinn and my new life behind.

I smiled as I thought of Quinn and it calmed me. I was doing this for him, for me, for us, because there couldn’t be an ‘us’ with this hanging over my head.

Taking a deep breath I started walking down familiar streets towards the house where I’d grown up. As I turned one last corner and saw it I froze in fear. It hadn’t changed. It looked just the same, so neat and tidy on the outside with its white paint and green shutters. Even the flowerbeds were the way I remembered them. But inside…

My fear grew and only picturing Quinn’s face allowed me to move forward. Hesitantly I stepped onto the porch and turned the doorknob. The door was locked of course. Why had I thought it would be otherwise? I knocked, once, and waited.

(34) I am what I am

~ Quinn ~

Jack got it immediately. “Whoever Blair’s afraid of could have found him and is trying to send him some sort of message. The question is, has he gotten it and is that why he ran?” He looked at me. “Or did he get it and was he afraid you’d be next if he stuck around?”

“Too many questions,” I growled, “Too many questions and no answers. I have to find him.”

“That’s not going to be easy. Do you even know if the information you have in that file is legit?” He tapped the one containing the copies of the papers Blair had filled out when Bonnie had hired him.

“No, but I can find out. There’s a social security number and a photocopy of the ID he gave Bonnie to prove he wasn’t an illegal.” I shook my head as I took that out and looked at it. “I wonder how many people actually do more than check the picture on these things.”

Jack looked and chuckled. “It’s marked with an ‘M’ right there under ‘sex’. Of course as battered as his ID is, if the photocopy’s any indication it’s barely legible.”

“Which may have been what he was counting on.” I checked the address. “Utah.”

“Bet he had a hard time if that’s where he grew up.”

“The big ‘if’ because he could have gotten this at any time, even after he went on the run.”

“But it’s a place to start looking.”

“Jack, he could be anywhere in the country. I’m never going to find him.”

“Depends on how he’s traveling. If he took a bus then you’re out of luck because they don’t require ID. But if he’s really trying to get away fast, he might have flown or taken a train and then we can track him.”

I was on the phone almost before he stopped talking. Yes I’d been stupid, I knew ID was required for trains and planes, I was just too damned involved in this or I would have remembered. Twenty minutes later I slammed the phone down angrily. “I’m shit out of luck.”

Jack looked over at me and shook his head. “Call the airport here.” He slid a slip of paper across the desk to me. “He took a bus out last night and got off there this morning around eight. And he didn’t buy another ticket. At least we’re lucky about one thing, he stands out. It’s how I found out which bus he took out of town.”

I nodded, smiling slightly. “That he does,” I said, remembering the first time I saw him. Well, the only time. I realized how unbelievable this whole thing was. I’d known him only a few short hours and yet he’d become the total focus of my life now. Was this a fool’s errand? What if I do find him and we’re wrong. What if he is the killer? Or just a bad, what if I find him and he doesn’t want me in his life? All those thoughts and more ran through my head as I began calling airlines again.

(33) I am what I am

~ Quinn ~

“Damn it! The description of the man the waiter at the Pelican saw with Ward fits Blair. Why didn’t I see that when I met Blair at the club?”

“Because your mind wasn’t on the murders then. You were there to relax and unwind. Besides, did he really look the way that waiter described him?” Jack replied.

“Yes, well sort of, delicate, the blond hair.”

“And how many men fit that description, especially in a gay bar?”

“Well not a lot, but enough, yeah. Okay. Point made.” I sighed deeply.

“Let’s say for the sake of argument that he’s not the killer. I trust your instincts and if you say he doesn’t seem like the kind of person who’d do something so vicious, you may be right. I gather from what you said, Bonnie agrees with you, from her point of view of him.”

“She does. So if he’s not the killer then what’s going on with him? We’ve pretty well established a connection between him and Ward, as tenuous as it may be right now, and then there’s Freer. The only ones not connected with him are the punks, but I suppose they could be if they tried to attack him, though why he’d have been in that part of town makes no sense.”

Jack started pacing. “Let’s look at this from a whole different angle, Quinn. Blair’s pretending to be a woman. Assuming he’s not totally insane and thinking he is one, what would drive him to do that?”

“He’s hiding from someone. Someone who he’s terrified will find him for some reason. And with his looks he knew he could pass as a woman as a way to disguise himself.”

“Exactly. An ex-boyfriend, a family member, someone he was involved with in a criminal activity.” I stated to bristle at that and he shook his head. “You don’t know anything about him, Quinn, so don’t rule that out.”

“Okay. Say we’re on the right track on this, why did he run this time?”

“He met you. Not the cop you. Did you even tell him that’s what you were?” I nodded. “And did it faze him?”

“No, not really. He seemed more interested in whether it was like the movies than anything else. He sure didn’t seem to be afraid because of it.”

“All right, so he ran either because he didn’t want you to know what was going on with him, the masquerade and the reason behind it, or he didn’t want you to become involved because it could put you in danger, too. Make sense?”

“Makes sense. What doesn’t is the fact that at least two men he knew were killed and then violated in such a strange way. Unless… Oh hell, hell and damnation.”

(32) I am what I am

~ Quinn ~

“What?” Jack asked as I stormed into the squad room the next morning and slammed copies of Blair’s information down on the desk in front of him. “What’s this?”

“That’s our fucking killer. That’s the man…the man…”

Jack was no fool. One look at me and he knew he was missing part of the whole. He just didn’t know what. “Sit down and tell me what’s going on,” he ordered.

I rubbed my forehead, debating the wisdom of that. But I knew he wouldn’t lay off until I did, so I sat and began pouring out the story. “I met him, Blair Ryley, in a club the night before last…”

When I finished he had only one thing to say. “You fell hard for him, Quinn.”

“I did. It’s stupid. There was no reason to except… Something clicked between us, Jack.” Scrubbing a hand over my face I finally looked at him. “He can’t be the killer, but everything points to it.”

“What everything Quinn? Did you happen to consider that he ran because he feels the same way about you? There has to be some reason he was masquerading as a woman. Whatever that is, he could be terrified that you’d find out, so he left.”

“Unless he sick in the head and that’s why he was seeing Freer and when the doctor found out what was going on…”

“Hang on,” Jack interrupted. “If that’s why Ryley was going to him then he’d have known from the beginning, right?”

“Yes, no, I mean wait, that’s not why he was seeing him. It was because of nightmares.” I pulled out my note book and then made a call. When Bonnie picked up I asked what the nightmares had been about. After she told me I shook my head. “He wouldn’t have thought he needed a therapist if he was just having bad dreams about some horror flicks.” She disagreed but I couldn’t see it.

When I told Jack, he agreed with me up to a point. “It sounds like he went to get his friend off his back. Let’s say Freer, who we know thought of himself as a swinger when it came to women, made some move on Blair and she, umm he freaked.”

“But if that happened he would have killed him then and there in his office.”

“Maybe, maybe not,” Jack said. “What if they fought and then Blair left, thought about what had happened and came back.”

“If that’s the case then he killed Ward too. There can’t be two killers with the same MO.”

(31) I am what I am

~ Quinn ~

“What do you mean gone?” I asked Bonnie.

“As in gone, not there any more. She’s left.”

“This doesn’t look good for her I’m afraid.” I took out my note pad and pen. “I need to know everything you know about her, what she looks like, her age. You said she worked for you, so she had to have filled out tax forms right? Do you have them on file?”

“Of course, at the diner. I… If you need to see them now we can go get them I guess.”

“We’ll do that, but first tell me about her.”

Bonnie nodded. “She’s about five eight I’d say, blonde hair, gray eyes, thin as a rail, or at least in my opinion.” She smiled a bit at that. “I kept trying to fatten her up but it never seemed to work.”

I barely heard past ‘gray eyes’. “Hold on a second,” I growled. “Blair Ryley has gray eyes?”

“Yes, very definitely gray, like storm cloud gray if you know what I mean.”

“I do.” That came out as a whisper before I said, “This is going to sound like a very strange question but I’m not crazy I swear. Are you certain Blair is a…is female?”

“Well of course I am. Good heavens, she’s been, she lived here for the last month or more. I think I’d have known if she wasn’t.” But even as she said that she looked puzzled; as if something has occurred to her. “I mean, well yes I’m sure.”

“What is it?”

She shook her head. “She was a very private person, or maybe shy is a better way to put it. I don’t know if you know how women are but we tend to be…we’ll walk around the house in a bra and panties and not be bothered if our roommate sees us like that, if you understand what I’m getting at.”

“I have three sisters. I know exactly what you mean. And she never did that?”

“Never. She always came out of her room fully dressed or in that robe she had that covered her from her chin down.”

That brought up another question. “Did she ever wear low cut blouses? Well not necessarily low cut but open at the throat? You know what I mean.”

Bonnie thought about that and shook her head. “No she didn’t, why? Oh.” I saw the realization in her eyes as she glanced at my throat and nodded.

I scrubbed a hand over my face as it hit me full force who the Blair Ryley that Bonnie knew really was. “I need to see those tax forms and anything else you have on file about her. Or him.”

“You really think that Blair is a man? That’s…that’s unbelievable.”

“I’m afraid he is. Why he masqueraded as a woman I have no idea, but unless I’m totally off base he's been doing that since the day you met him, and probably even before then.”

(30) I am what I am

~Blair~

I paced the station, willing the bus to show up. I’d bought a ticket for the first one out of the city, afraid if I didn’t leave immediately I’d change my mind. Once I was gone then I could get another bus to get me where I needed to be.

There was only one way out of the mess I’d made of my life. Only one way I could be with Quinn, if he really wanted me. And after everything that had happened last night, I had to hope that he did. It was the only thing keeping me from running so far and so fast that no one, not even my demon, could find me.

Not a real demon of course though it felt like one.

The person who’s actions had haunted me for the last five years. The reason I lived the way I did. Did the things I did. And ran each time I thought it would all catch up with me again.

But not this time. This time I’m running home.

I have to face my demon so I can have my life back. And, maybe, just maybe, have love.

The bus pulled in, finally. Grabbing my suitcase I climbed the steps, showed the driver my ticket, and found a seat.

And then I prayed to whatever being was out there that this would be the end, and the beginning.

(29) I am what I am

~ Quinn ~

The woman, who told me her name was Bonnie, shook her head. “I’m not sure. I had some shopping to do after work and she wasn’t here when I got home.”

“Is she usually?”

“More like we usually come home together since she works for me.” Bonnie looked at me, frowning. “Why do you need to talk to her?”

“It has to do with her doctor.” I figured Bonnie probably knew this Blair was seeing a therapist but I wasn’t about to say so right out, just in case.

“Albert? What about him?”

“I take it you know she was seeing him.”

“Sure, I’m the one who originally set it up. Blair had been having really bad nightmares and since he was a friend of mine I suggested she talk to him.”

“Do you mind if we sit down?” I asked, glancing at the sofa.

“Oh, no, not at all. I’m sorry.” She waited until I had and then sat down at the far end, looking at me worriedly. “Has something happened to Albert?”

“He was murdered Friday night.”

Her hand flew to her mouth as she looked at me in shock. “He was what? You can’t be serious. Who would want to kill him?”

“That’s what we’re trying to find out. Since Miss Ryley was possibly the last one to see him I need to talk to her.”

“You don’t think…” She glared at me. “No way would Blair kill someone. She doesn’t have it in her.”

“I’m not suggesting she did but she might have noticed something, either in how he was acting, or after she left his office.”

“I suppose it’s possible. Do you want me to have her to call you when she gets home?”

“If you don’t mind.” I took out my card and handed it to her.

“Of course not. As a matter of fact I’ll put it in her room where she’s sure to find it, along with a note, just in case I’m asleep.” She got up, found some paper and a pen and scribbled a quick message before stapling the card to it. Then she headed down the hallway, presumably to Miss Ryley’s bedroom.

She was back seconds later, a stricken look on her face. “She’s… All her things, they’re gone.”

(28) I am what I am

~ Quinn ~

By mid-afternoon we’d managed to get a subpoena that allowed us to obtain the addresses on the list of Doctor Freer’s patients, but nothing more. His files were still off limits until we could prove one of them might hold information we needed for the case.

Freer’s secretary met us at his office. She was less than happy to be there, mainly because she apparently was grieving his death. But she understood why we needed the information and put it together for us, addresses and phone numbers.

“I wish…if I’d been here maybe he’d still be alive,” she said as she handed us the list.

“Were you off sick?” I asked her.

“No. He sent me home early because it was my anniversary. I’ll admit I was a bit surprised but I wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth. He still had two patients to see but he said he could handle the little bit of paperwork on them, so I left before he changed his mind.”

I glanced at the list and noted that Blair Ryley’s was the last name on it, preceded by an Arthur Holmes.

By the time we got back to the station house it was close to five. We split up the list with Jack taking the first three and me the last. It seemed logical to do this tonight, since as far as we could tell they were all home addresses. So after we’d signed out we took off in separate directions.

I immediately headed for Ryley’s address and fifteen minutes later found myself in front of a small apartment building. I didn’t find the name on the list of residents but since I had the apartment number that wasn’t really a problem. I buzzed the manager who let me into the building when I showed him my badge. He wanted to know why I was there and I told him police business which effectively shut him up.

When I got to the apartment I rapped on the door. It opened as far at the security chain would allow and a woman peered out at me.

“Can I help you?” she asked.

I identified myself and asked to talk to Blair Ryley. She frowned, asked to check my badge and then let me inside.

“Why do you want to talk to Blair? Not that you can right now, she’s not here.”

I heaved a sigh of relief as I asked, “When will she be back?”