(40) I am what I am

~Blair~

“I don’t know if I can do this.” I know I must have looked panicked as I glanced between Quinn and Jack.

We, Quinn and I, had been back for a week. Bonnie had insisted I stay with her in my old room despite the fact that she now knows I’m male. As I had nowhere else to go I said I would, but only until I found a place of my own. I was also back working at the diner and of course Quinn had his job to do. It never ended he told me in a moment of frustration, when he’d had to cancel our first, well date I guess, because of a new case. A date, a real, honest to God date. Something I’d never done before. Well, I can wait. I will wait. Because it will be worth it when it actually happens.

Anyway, he said he had to wrap up the files on the murders my stepfather had committed and that meant he and his partner needed to know the extent of my involvement.

Which led to my sitting across the desk from them in one of the interrogation rooms at the station house Quinn worked out of.

Quinn laid his hand over mine for a moment. Then I guess he realized where he was because he quickly moved it away as he said, “The first man, the one from the club, he picked you up?”

I closed my eyes and nodded. “I was, well maybe we should start with Doctor Freer, because that’s where it all began I think.”

“All right,” Jack said and I knew he was taking notes.

“I went for a session. I was going to tell him it was the last one. I didn’t get the chance to. He kept; he wanted me to describe what I thought my first sexual experience would be like, in detail, because he thought I was a virgin. He kept pushing and pushing and touching me and finally I got so angry I began yelling at him. He made a grab for me and tore my blouse. Not here,” I touched my chest, “just the sleeve but that was enough. I grabbed my things and ran. When I got back to Bonnie’s—well I glanced in the mirror and I looked like someone had tried to assault me and I guess that’s what he did.”

“You’re stepfather must have been following you by that time. if he knew, or thought he knew, what had happened,” Quinn pointed out.

“I…yes I suppose so since he killed him. Anyway, Bonnie and I went out to supper like we sometimes did so we didn’t have to cook, but that didn’t really help. I was still so tense I had to go somewhere so that I could unwind. And as me, not, well you know. Not after that creep tried what he did.”

This time, when Quinn took my hand because I was shaking so badly, he didn’t let it go. “And that’s where you met Mr. Ward,” he said softly.

“Yes,” I whispered. “He was nice, sort of I guess. Nice enough that when he made it clear he wanted me, I went along with it. When we got to that apartment and he told me that he liked to be restrained and…and I did it, restrained him…” I shook my head, looking down at my hand entwined in Quinn’s, trying to breathe.