Sui Generis – 59

 

"I should have known this was a set-up," Randulf said angrily, glaring at Lew.

"Not my doing," Lew protested.

"I could have figured that out for myself, since you ran the second you were even halfway strong enough to."

"Why should I stick around? I did my job and I'm real sure everyone was glad to see the back of me."

"Let's just say, while they were worried you'd left too soon, they weren't heartbroken," Randulf replied sardonically.

"No surprise there, and I'm sure you led the pack in feeling that way."

Randulf shrugged, leaning back against the desk, his arms crossed while he studied Lew. "You look like your trip didn't do you much harm over all."

"Trip? That makes it sound like a vacation, not an escape."

"I hardly think you'd vacation here."

"Or anywhere, right now."

"Why not? You could take a cruise, meet a bevy of lovely women or handsome men." Randulf sneered. "And keep busy until the council needs your help again."

"I don't want that," Lew replied quietly.

"More into taking a… a skiing vacation? I can see it now… a cold night, a blazing fireplace, hot toddies, someone on either side of you competing for who'll end up warming your bed."

"Stop it! Damn it, stop. Yeah, I was like that once, I'll admit it. You've got every right to think I still am." Lew bowed his head, sighing deeply. "But I'm not. All that does is—well, as you put it—give me someone to warm my bed. That's not what I want."

"Right, and if I believe that…" Randulf shook his head. "I probably would have once. Hell, I did. Once. I learned better. You're no more able to be faithful than… than Henry the Eighth."

Lew almost laughed. He might have if he'd had it in him at the moment. Instead he said, "I told Mag his plan was stupid." He looked up at Randulf. "He thinks you still care for me."

Randulf nodded. "I kind of figured that."

"He's wrong, although I guess I have to give him kudos for trying to bring us back together. He's a dreamer, a romantic, and not terribly practical."

"He's a nice man who wants everyone to be as happy as he is."

"Well, he's shit out of luck, isn't he?" Lew said. "He had the crazy idea that you'd try to tell if I was lying to you when we… when he set this up. Guess it really doesn't matter to you one way or the other whether I am or not. You'd rather go on believing I'm a bastard than take the chance I might really give a damn about you."

"I've heard that before, Lew. It wasn't the truth back then and you know it."

Lew looked up at him. "So it can't be now?" he said softly. "People don't change? I can't change? It's written in stone that I'm an unfaithful son-of-a-bitch as far as you're concerned—out for what I can get and then move on."

Randulf nodded. "That fairly well describes…" He hesitated. "Described you. Hell, why should I believe you're still not like that?" 

Getting up, Lew said, "You probably shouldn't. Or can't, which is the same difference. So unless you think there's more we have to say to each other, I'm leaving." He headed to the door without a backward glance.

"Lew…" Randulf sighed. "Look at me and tell me…"

"That I'm sorry I fucked everything up? I am. Not that you care now."

"I asked you to look at me. Is that so hard?"

Not turning around, Lew said, "Damned straight it is because I'll see the disbelief, the contempt you feel for me, written on your face and right now I don't think I can handle either. So goodbye, have a good life, and maybe if you're lucky, you'll find the right man who'll make you happy."

Taking a deep breath, Randulf replied, "I think… that could be you."

Lew spun around angrily. "Don't! Don't toy with me to get your… your revenge."

"I'm well past wanting that. I don't think I ever did. Maybe, once, I wanted you to hurt as badly as I did. But no more."

"How can I believe that?"

Randulf smiled a bit. "Do what Mag suggested. Open your mind and read the truth. I… I miss you. I'm probably asking to be hurt again, but still… I miss you."

Lew studied him, opening his mind, and his heart to what Randulf was saying. Very quietly he replied, "I miss you too."

Randulf nodded. "I know you do."

"Reading me?"

"Yes, but not the way you're thinking. I don't have to. It's in your voice, in your expression, in every line of your body." Randulf held out his hand.