(43) When all else is lost the future still remains

“Damn, damn, damn, this is fricking freezing,” Race bitched as he stepped closer to the center of the stream.

Shan watched in amusement for a second, until the younger man started to unwrap the towel. Then he turned away, leaning his back against a tree by the edge of the stream as he listened to Race’s steady swearing, and heard the towel hit the grass by the side of the stream. “You’re not going to die,” he called over his shoulder.

“Is this what the shower water’s going to be like?” Race asked as he soaped up and did the best he could to wash off the dirt without turning into a permanent ice cube.

“Nope. I’ll set a bit of magic to warm it.”

“Set a lot, I like hot showers.”

“Don’t push it kid, or you’ll be taking cold ones.” He stared off into the trees, concentrating on the view in front of him to avoid thinking about the one behind him. Therefore he didn’t hear the soft rustling of the grass by the stream until it was too late. Suddenly he found himself flat on his ass in the icy water looking up at an impishly grinning face.

“You little fucker,” Shan growled, grabbing Race’s hand to pull him down into the water as well.

“Told you you needed a bath too,” Race said unrepentantly.

“And you need to learn to respect your elders,” Shan grumbled as he started to get up.

With a tug Race stopped him. “I respect the hell out of you. That’s the problem.” He traced a finger over the line of Shan’s jaw.

Shan shivered, and it wasn’t from the cold. “Don’t, Race.”

“’Don’t, Race’, ‘Stop it Race’. Well for your information, you’ll have to send me home if you want that to happen. I’m not a kid, Shan. I knew what I wanted from the first moment I saw you. I’ve done my best to push that away because I knew I was battling a ghost.” He touched Shan’s cheek. “I probably still am, but not so much so, I think. Not now. I’m real sure you’re still not ready yet, but when you are…I’m here.” Putting his hands on Shan’s shoulders he stood, bent to brush a kiss across the shocked man’s lips and then stepped out of the stream. Snagging the towel, he wrapped it around his waist and strode off.

Shan was on his feet seconds later. “Stop right where you are,” he ordered.

“Why? So you can tell me what a fool I just was?” Race continued walking, although not so quickly now.

Catching up with him Shan grabbed his arm, swinging him around to face him. “You weren’t a fool. You have every right to feel the way you do about … everything.”

“But you don’t feel the same, and you probably won’t. So yeah, I was a fool.”

Shan shook his head slowly. “Just what makes you think I don’t find you,” he paused as if searching for an appropriate word, “well, interesting?”

“Interesting? Like a new food you’re not sure if you like or not, or a story someone tells? I’m not certain I want to be ‘interesting’.”

“No. Interesting like I’d like to get to know you better and perhaps see what happens. I’m just not about to rush into anything. Truthfully,” he cupped his hand under Race’s chin, slowly stroking his thumb over his lips, “I’m scared shitless,” he said quietly.

“Do you think you’re the only one who’s scared?” Race replied just a quietly, thrilling at Shan’s touch. He searched Shan’s face. “I know I can never replace him, I would never try. But if I could just be in some small part of your life as…as more than just a friend.” He dropped his gaze, not willing to see rejection if it was there.

“If we…Damn it.” Shan released his hold on Race. “I couldn’t handle loosing someone else.”

“There’s always that danger when you care for someone. You just have to decide if caring is worth the risk.” Race stepped away. “One thing, Shan, I won’t let myself be just a casual fuck for you. So you need to decide, can I be more or should we let this drop right now and pretend nothing was said. Your choice.” With that stated, he continued on to the Compound, disappearing from sight into the tunnel.