(36) When all else is lost the future still remains

“I can’t.”

“You can," Race replied. "You must. Listen to your heart. It knows. Now is the time. Go.”

Tears slid slowly down Shan’s cheeks as he stumbled blindly down the hall. As if guided by an unseen hand, he safely traversed the rubble-strewn floor to the room. His hand gripped the handle and he hesitated.

At the far end of the hall Race watched, his nails digging into the palms of his hands as he resisted the urge to go to him; to give him the strength to take the last step into the room. Please.  He looked up, closing his eyes. Please help him.

Shan pushed the door open. The room was in shambles, furniture crushed under fallen bricks and plaster. What was left of the walls shattered, destroyed. Just as he was. 

Wiping a hand across his tear-streaked face, Shan’s gaze searched for anything that said this was the room that had once been filled with love and happiness. Bits and pieces of his life with Lav lay strewn around. Clothing spilled from the broken dresser, now moss and mildew covered, almost unrecognizable for what it had been as was the rest of the destroyed furniture. The bed where they had loved each other, slowly or passionately as the spirit had moved them, was now in shattered pieces. He crossed to it with hesitant steps, stood looking down at what remained, remembering, tears coursing down his cheeks.

“I loved you, damn it. Why did you have to die? Why you?” Dropping to his knees, heedless of the sharp shards of brick that tore into them, he wrapped his arms around himself, rocking back and forth as sobs wracked his frame. “I miss you so much, my love. It’s hard, so hard, so lonely, so empty without you.”

Eventually the sobs lessened, the tears stopped. He was drained, empty. He lifted his head, staring sightlessly ahead. Then a faint sound, as if something small had been dropped, hitting the floor with a soft, bright clink, brought him back to reality. He looked, trying to find what it was. In the thick dust beside the dresser he saw something glimmering in the faint light.

Standing, he inched his way across the room and knelt, picking up the small silver object. His heart beat faster as he stared at it. It was the pendant Lav had given him their last Christmas together. A simple circle, a leopard’s head etched on one side, a panther’s on the other, with the words ‘I will love you’ under the panther, and under the leopard, ‘forever’. The chain had broken the morning of the explosion, he remembered. So he’d set the pendant on the dresser, vowing to get a new chain after he’d completed his day of training with the Master.

Now he clutched it, bringing it to his lips. “And I will love you forever,” he murmured. Then he lifted his gaze, staring up at the thin shaft of moonlight slipping through the shattered ceiling of the room. “I will, forever, but now…” One last tear rolled slowly down his cheek. “Now, I think I can move on.”