I don't know how I got so lucky but two lovely women are blog swapping with me today, Blak Rayne and Rawiya. I'll go alphabetically as they are both quite wonderful blogs.
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Why Are All The Good Ones Gay?
Now this is me talking, Blak Rayne, and yes I am a Caucasian, heterosexual woman married with children–not some mysterious, sexless entity who likes to hide in the basement and pen dirty books! LOL I wanted to do something special, so my post is a little more personal this time. I thought I’d tell you a story and then maybe you’d understand why I write about the topics I do, and why my style is different from many other authors.
Is being gay a blessing–some miracle state of body and mind? I have no interest in the religious arguments and I’m not here to pass judgment or bounce the political bullshit around. I’m here to tell you what happened to me in my late teens and how it affected my life.
As a teenager in the eighties, growing up in the greater Vancouver region, I had a number of friends who were gay and bi. Back then (oh how cliché) homosexuality wasn’t something people openly discussed. It was a sexual taboo, deeply misunderstood and thought to have somehow caused the onslaught of AIDS.
Getting back to my friends… Those that were gay kept it to themselves always fearful of how their peers would react. For me, I was raised Baptist and even at an early age I’d developed my own sense of belief and sexual preference was one of those things that never bothered me. I was and still am more concerned with the environment, what the government does without the public’s knowledge and our lack of judicial reform. As far as sexual preference goes, it’s a personal choice just as ones taste in books and not reflective of whom that individual is. But let’s get one thing straight…that doesn’t mean I agree with an illegal sexual act–I do have to draw the line somewhere.
Later, after I left high school, I moved away and ended up spending more time in Vancouver (the big city). And wow, let me tell you, that was an eye-opener. The homeless people, drugs, gangs and prostitutes–I gathered a lifetime of wisdom from the one year I spent on the streets. I met this cute kid one morning. He was begging in front of the Eaton’s store on Granville. He pleaded with me, but he didn’t have to–I would’ve given him all the money in the world if it meant he was off the streets. I gave him ten bucks and half my pack of cigarettes. I’ll never forget that smile. He called me beautiful and thanked me. Then he chased me for blocks wanting to know my name. All right, like I said he was cute. I told him my name and we had breakfast at McDonalds together. Then I met his friends and well…you get the picture.
As it turned out, he was a prostitute. I used to play watchdog for a number of young male prostitutes and my God those poor kids. I was nineteen and they were between the ages of seventeen to twenty. My job was to write down the license plate number and vehicle model when they picked up a john. And that way if anything happened, the police would have something to investigate–at least a starting point. I also fed those boys and put them up in hotels. In essence I became their den mother. By the end of that first week I brought three of them home, to my apartment in Poco, because this pimp from the women’s strip was threatening them.
I’ll never forget that night as long as I live. I walked out of a local diner with three of the boys and this white Cadillac pulls up to the curb. A huge–and I mean massive black man gets out and points a gun at my head. It was broad daylight and he’s threatening me. I guess I had tread into his territory. He said the male hookers were his because they were walking down the other end of the street where his women were located. I’m not sure why but I didn’t feel fear, I was more angry than anything and I told him if he didn’t get his black ass out of my face the police would get a call. Yes, I know, call me dumbass! It was a really stupid thing to do. But you’d never believe it… He got back in the car and we never saw him again.
It was around this same time that I met, Andy (not his real name). Andy was a gay man who used to dress up (drag) and perform at all the gay/alternative bars in down town Vancouver. He wasn’t a big fellow, perhaps five foot nine, dark eyes and attractive but average features. He had a slender build and was very flamboyant. He was my sweetheart and the love of my life at the time. There was one club where he performed more than anywhere else and I rarely missed his act. I practically lived with Andy. We were inseparable. He became my confidant as I did for him. We used to cuddle each other at night. We hung out all year. It’s a relationship I’ve never forgotten and I’ve yet to duplicate. I felt this man was my soul mate and if we could’ve had sex it would’ve made our relationship complete. But as he always said to me with a laugh and kiss, ‘Why couldn’t you be a man, baby?’ It was a strange twist of fate, I suppose, that we fell for one another but couldn’t enjoy total fulfillment.
Near the end of the summer this other man entered the picture. I knew it would happen eventually but I also knew the guy was bad news. Andy was performing at the club when this guy appeared–a rough looking sort; brawny, dirty blond and not what I’d call attractive. I didn’t voice my opinion until much later–something I still regret. Anyway, Andy started seeing this asshole, which I’ll refer to as Bruce. Several months into the dating, Andy, at Bruce’s instigating, took the guy back to his apartment. This was a huge no-no. Normally Andy never took strange guys back to his place unless I was there because he’d been hurt once before and barely survived. There are some men who enjoy raping gay men, knowing ninety-nine percent of the time they can get away with it because the victims won’t press charges. I was out with the boys taking down license plate numbers. Hours later I headed to Andy’s with a brown bag full of Chinese food. It was a Friday night and I wanted to surprise him. Let’s put it this way, the moment I set foot through the door I knew Andy was in trouble. The furniture was knocked over–the place was a mess. He was hiding in the bathroom. It took me a good fifteen minutes of sweet talk to convince him I wasn’t mad. And my God, his face was so swollen there was no way he could perform for at least a week. When Andy refused anal sex, Bruce felt the need to smack him around as punishment.
I helped clean up the apartment and we stayed indoors for a full week. Andy was too ashamed to go out in public and I couldn’t leave him like that. I cared too much. So we lay on the couch watching US sitcom reruns and eating junk food. Plus we did a lot of talking. I don’t know what Bruce said to Andy exactly because he was too scared to tell me, but whatever it was, it put the fear of God into him. He didn’t want to go anywhere alone and insisted I live with him full time.
About a week later when Andy felt strong enough to perform, the phone calls started. Not only was this asshole a sexual deviant he turned out to be a stalker as well. The next month was a living nightmare. I became Andy’s shadow and he refused to leave my side. What I should’ve done was gone to the police. Okay, so here’s the thing…after all the death threats, phone calls, notes and the words ‘you’re dead fag’ carved in the apartment door the guy just up and vanished. It was so quiet for a few days, I seriously thought we were rid of him. Then after one of the shows, Andy and I were walking home, holding hands. Andy was still wearing his floor length, sparkling sapphire gown and high heals. I was in my, boots, jeans and leather jacket–yep I was a regular biker biatch! LOL Anyway, we rushed into the building and Bruce is standing in the lobby. Andy slowly kicked his heals off and I stood in front of him. It was after midnight and there wasn’t another soul around. I told Bruce to fuck off and if he didn’t the shit was going to hit the fan (well something to that affect because I was just so stupid!) LOL Bruce blew up of course and the three of us got into a tussle. I was punched a number of times and Andy’s four hundred dollar gown was torn. Then a neighbour heard the ruckus and strolled out into the lobby. Bruce was gone in an instant. Andy and I were shaken, but returned to the apartment.
Thank you for your patience, I do appreciate it. And yes, my story is almost done.
Well, we cried together that night. Andy kissed me a lot and told me how sorry he was to involve me in his shitty existence. I told him, I didn’t care as long as he was okay. Another two weeks slipped by and we never saw Bruce again. I honestly believed everything would be just fine. It was a Saturday night, late, when we said goodbye. He was dressed to the nines as usual, looking better than me when he kissed me and told me he loved me, and we’d meet after the show.
I never saw Andy again. The club where he was performing caught fire and the building was so old it was gutted in a matter of minutes. Later two bodies were discovered under the rubble. Supposedly the owner and Andy were the only ones left inside. They died from smoke inhalation. The papers said the fire was suspicious but no one was ever charged. I sat on the curb across from the burnt out building crying my eyes out. Though I can’t prove it, I think Bruce set the fire. The word on the street was that someone wanted Andy dead. Well the asshole succeeded and I was left to wander the city aimlessly for days in tears with a broken heart, praying I’d see Andy again but of course I never did. The whole thing was too much. I left Vancouver and never set foot on Granville again until the 2010 Winter Olympics. I’ve driven past the site many times and every time I do I still feel the ache.
Happy Yaoi Hunting ^_^!!
Blak Rayne